Holidays and grief

There are no words to describe the grief you feel after loving a loved one - especially around the holidays.  Sometimes you just feel numb but it’s kind of more than that.  Sometimes you feel depressed but it’s more than that. It’s hard to describe really and it’s okay. It’s just the way things are now especially the first holiday season after the loss.  

My mother loved the holidays more than any other time of the year. For her it was a time to be thankful and grateful for all the blessings in her life. She had a hard childhood and vowed that her kids would not so she always made sure we understood the holidays and what they meant to her.  Christmas was a big holiday for her - partly because of her Catholic upbringing and faith but also because it meant that she could watch us open gifts that she had saved up for. Each gift meant something different to us but even if it was just underwear we know that it came from a place of love. 

I found myself torn this year on putting up my tree. I still have a houseful so the thought of having to move things around was daunting. However I also know what my mother would say if I didn’t. So I finally put my tree up today (December 12th). My grandkids will undoubtedly love the fact that they can ask about the ornaments and why I have this one or that one. There is a story behind each one because most came from my mother. My mom started a tradition years before buying ornaments for her grandkids each year. Every ornament meant something to my daughters and every one has a memory of their grandmother giving it to them with a smile on her face.  I carried on the tradition with my own grandkids and hope that one day my daughters will do the same with theirs.  

Today I sit looking at my box of ornaments and I remember the Christmas I couldn’t afford a tree or decorations and could barely buy my daughters the few toys and clothes they needed. My mother and a friend came to the rescue. They bought a tree, ribbon, ornaments and came over to set it up while I was running the girls somewhere. I came home as they were finishing and tears flowed. It was beautiful.  My mother handed me money and told me to go shopping for my girls - it wasn’t much but she said she was proud of me and all I had accomplished. I had a home, food on the table, the girls were in extracurricular activities, the girls were happy and loved.  To mom that is all that mattered because she knew I’d had come from very little to where I was. Her friend handed me some more money and told me to get something for myself too because I deserved it.  I’d survived being left 5 months pregnant, getting a job, buying a home, having a car - all while making sure the girls had things they needed and sacrificing things I’d needed. It had been a hard year but that was the best Christmas ever.  Everything came from a place of love.

Grief and depression are definitely hardest around the holidays.  I miss my mother immensely and I can’t express it to many.  It is a heartache like no other. I picked up the phone to call her the other day and stared at it for about an hour as I cried. I remember her saying that life goes on and it does but it will be awhile before the heartache subsides (if ever). We all have our heartaches but as I place another ornament on the tree I am reminded of the love as well. 

Love one another deeply, passionately, fully because one day you won’t be able to give those you love a hug.