Learning to cope with the loss of a friend...



We have all lost a friend at some point in our lives.  Sometimes they pass on due to illness or tragedy but the kind I want to talk about today is the kind that just decides to leave you.  Yes the kind that uses the phrase "It's not you it's me.  I need my space right now."

I truly believe that everyone is entitled to their space.
I truly believe that everyone needs to grow spiritually at their own pace.
I truly believe that everyone comes into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
And I truly believe that sometimes a friend is meant to leave but there is a real explanation as part of their leaving.

I've had this happen many times but the most recent actually hurt pretty badly (not that is is ever easy).  What I find is that unfortunately I blame myself for them leaving.  I know - don't blame yourself for their actions.  Not always such an easy thing to do when you over think all the time though.

I've prided myself on becoming more open and learning to trust others.  It hasn't always been an easy thing to do though.  Sometimes I start to trust someone and they use that trust against me.  That is when I close up again and hide from the world.  Sometimes I trust someone so much that it hurts - you know what I mean, when the simplest thing they say is like a kick in the gut or slap in the face.  I'm sure it isn't meant to be like that either but that is how it can feel.  The one thing that hurts the most is when you trust someone so much and suddenly they are gone.  No real explanation, just gone.  They say they need their space and then a few weeks later you get a "dear friend" note.  It almost feels like a breakup even though you were just friends.  You go through this little bout of depression wondering what you did to cause it, what you can do to fix it, what you are screwing up to lose your friend... Then you realize it really wasn't you, it really was the other person, it was their insecurities and self doubts, their own doing...  But, if you are like me, you sit there and ponder how to not allow it to happen again.

From my personal take - the other person is selfish, confused, and kind of cruel.  I mean how can they rip something away that meant so much to them like it was nothing?  Then you find out that this isn't the first time they have done this.  This is a repeating pattern.  After being so close you want to run and help them thru this, you feel you can help to change them, show them the way to not do this, help them with the fear that is eating at them...  then it hits you like a ton of bricks - you have to let them go.

I went thru this for months.  I was doing quite well but then I started having dreams that were vivid... then I had a vision sitting in church.  It was an amazing vision now that I sit back and think on it.  However it was a message that was meant for my former friend.  I pleaded to not give the message, asked that it be given to her directly, begged to not feel like that again...  but I was told she wouldn't listen, wouldn't allow the message, wasn't open to hearing it from her guides - it had to come from me.  I asked why.  Why couldn't she get it from someone else, a family member, a coworker, a friend she felt she trusted...  why did it have to be me?  I was told that there was a reason and to trust, have faith and believe.  So I did it.  I sent her an email with her message and felt when she read it and got angry.  I felt the hatred for receiving the message, I felt the anger for me and the resentment towards me, I felt the daggers... It was as if I had stood there and let her hit me with all her might - repeatedly.  It made my stomach turn, my heart break, tears flow down my face...  Oh God it felt so bad I wanted to curl up in a ball.

So last night I prayed to the Blessed Mother to explain to me why I had to endure that kind of pain.  I was told it was not painful for me to endure but it was soemthing that needed to be done.  So I sit here and I wonder why...

I think there are a few stages that happen during any breakup - saddness, anger, compromise, self-doubt, etc.  I think I went thru them all again last night.  That is what sucked the most - reexperiencing it.

This morning I spent about an hour on myself between Yoga and meditation.  I came to the realization that it really was an experience I needed.  I feel bad that it went the way it did - trust me I can still feel the anger, confusion, depression, and resentment from the other person.  But I know that I did the right thing too.  Yesterday morning I pulled an Angel card to get some guidance as I had been feeling like I needed to have some additional guidance.  Oddly enough my card was the Page of Air.  I didn't put too much thought into it before I left for church...



After my meditation this morning I felt the need to pull a new card - it was kind of an overwhelming feeling to get as I was running out the door.  I set everything down and pulled my card for today.



I've been guided to do things I am uncomfortable with before.  I think it will happen again as well but I know it is part of my own transformation - ultimately that is why I am here.  And now it is time to move on...


What will be will be

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