2019 - year of the rollercoaster

Oh my - it has been awhile since I posted anything and for that I truly apologize.  Unfortunately life got pretty chaotic for awhile.  It took me some time to find my balance again but also to re-light my desires.  It started with an organizational change at work but then continued into the holiday season.  Then, on my way to an early morning appointment, I had an encounter with an earth angel that snapped me right out of it.  I will explain that more later...

Sometimes we go through periods of depression that we cannot explain.  This is a fairly common issue for me unfortunately but I tend to snap out of it fairly easily.  This year, it has been a tad harder because of a torn rotator cuff and subsequent surgery.  As I am healing from the surgery and going through PT three times a week, I have finally started to climb out of the depression that has held me under for months.  I am finally seeing things in a more relaxed and calmer light - and I am finally feeling happy again.

My depression started in June when the company I work for was reorganizing and my job got swept up into it.  I tried hard to be happy about it but it took me for a bit of a wild emotional ride because who wants to be told that although they have a job - it really isn't what they wanted or desired and they don't have a choice but to accept it.  I looked for the good things in the new role - I get to work with someone a bit closer who I admire, I get to still do my old job while also doing my new job while also assisting many others.  I get to visit different locations and utilize some strengths that I have.  I get to interact with people on a different level while understanding their issues because, well, I have been in their shoes.  I have been working at this company for 21 years now and have been through a lot of changes but this last one - it knocked the wind clear out of me.  I had feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt that were trying to swallow me whole...  I wasn't sure what to do 99% of the time but I just kept my head down and pushed forward.  I hadn't felt like that in years - since I first started working - I didn't want to feel that way anymore.  So I started on a path of rediscovery for my career and it helped me to get that part of my life in order again.

I began writing down the reasons why I was good at what I did, why people may have thought it was a good path for my career, I asked questions of co-workers and new management - I found that people thought a lot higher of me than I had ever realized.   The last week before a long holiday break at work, things got nutty crazy and I finally started feeling like I was contributing.  I admit I get embarrassed when people tell me I did a good job at something - don't really know why but I do.  And I started to hear that a lot so I started to get quiet and shy especially in meetings.  Then a friend told me that I needed to just accept the facts - "You are really perfect in that role and I am so thankful you are there.  We are all lucky to have you in that position because you are amazing."  I told her I was embarrassed and she told me to knock it off.  The conversation was over the phone but I felt the virtual smack nevertheless.  I had encouraged her to apply for her job a few years ago and she was always honest with me so I trusted her insights.  I turned to my paper and my lists of the good, the bad and the uncomfortable - and I started moving things to the good list.  It is good to be praised (even if it embarrasses you).  It is good to be moved into a challenging role (even without your consent or input).  It is good to remember that life is chaotic and challenging.   Finally I was following the advice I give to my clients...

One of my best friends is getting married in June 2020 and I fully admit I am not at my best physically.  I started to focus more on my physical improvements and was seeing small progress when I tore my rotator cuff.  Knowing I would end up with surgery and not be able to really do a lot of physical workouts left me depressed even more than before.  The fact it was right around the holidays wasn't helping either.  On my way to PT this morning I nearly ran over a woman crossing the street.  Now let me say it wasn't because I wasn't watching the road - it was because the street wasn't lit and she was in all black clothing while walking across the road outside the normal walking area.  Having scared us both nearly to death I pulled over so I could talk to her and ask her where she was going.  She was actually going the same direction I was so I decided to drive her to her location and we would have the opportunity to talk while I drove.  She said that her car had broken down and she was going to try to catch the bus but had missed it and decided to cross the street again to walk to work.  She admitted to not watching for vehicles but said she knew that God would send her an angel to help her today.  I thanked her but told her she could have been hurt if not for the light traffic.  She said that she wasn't worried and had faith in people as I should.  I dropped her off about a block away from where I was heading.  She thanked me for being kind and held my hand for a moment and said that I was a light in the world where there is often darkness - then she got out and disappeared into the building.  I never got her name.  As I arrived at my appointment I had a feeling of love within my heart and knew it was from her.  My mood has been a bit lighter since that encounter. 

It has been a hard year for me on an emotional level with many ups and downs.  In January I had a soul encounter that knocked me for a loop pretty hard and my friendship with that person is a bit strained as a result.  I sincerely love that person on many levels but will also not interfere with the happiness that is deserved and desired.   Since January we have not really seen each other, partially because I have stayed away and partially because I am not wanted around by my friend's partner.  In February I had a broken pipe send me into a hotel for two and a half months but ultimately I got my condo back in even better shape.  I have accomplished completion of over 300 hours of CPD credits to keep myself accredited for my business.  I watched my youngest walk across the stage at her college graduation ceremony and she remained in South Carolina where she has a job that has given her confidence and security.  My oldest is doing fabulous as a mother of a nearly two year old little boy and is handling the balance of work and motherhood quite well.  Although I do talk to my girls often it is really empty at home most of the time which can be depressing but I try to fill my time with my healing and coaching business.   When I hurt my shoulder in October it sent me into a bit of a depression that has been hard to get out of.  Today I have moments of depression but am much better than I have been. 

It has been a year - that is for sure.  I am focused on bringing my business (my passion) into focus and make it even move successful.  I am more focused than ever to ensuring depression doesn't take over my life and make me hide from everyone.  I have a lot to be thankful for actually.  I have friends and family that love me and check on me often.  I have a business/passion that helps others which I absolutely adore and that fills me with nothing but love.    Love - that really is the key to life.  Love fills us all with hope, trust, comfort, compassion - love is the key.  So as 2019 closes out and 2020 starts I want to thank each of you for the LOVE you have given me, the LOVE you have shown me, the LOVE you have shared.  Thank you all and know that I am feeling blesses, loved and full of happiness. 

Love to you all